social psychology

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Give to Get What You Want

Yup, here’s one about basic principles of killer persuasion…

WARNING: use the principle you are about to learn at your own discretion, it’s entirely possible that results may vary, and I hereby expunge myself from any and all liabilities occasioned by any negative ones (you shouldn’t get negative results unless you drastically goof something up. So don’t goof something up, a’ight?).

One of my favorite principles of persuasion to teach clients is how to get by giving. For those geeks out there who actually care about technical terms, we call this principle the Law of Obligation. Obligation is a scary word for some people; it shouldn’t be, at least in the context you’re about to learn. Obligation can literally be the ace up your sleeve in life or business or in getting your kids to eat their broccoli. It’s an easy and harmless way to generate goodwill, commitment, and relationships out of thin air.

Real life example. One afternoon, while grabbing lunch at my current favorite restaurant (Bajio’s—best Mexican food in the west, check it out and tell ‘em I sent you), I stood in line next to a medium-height, goateed up, well-dressed man with a fancy Blackberry and a Jawbone in his ear. It was lunch hour so naturally the restaurant was full to the gills with people and businessmen. The man was having a conversation about a piece of real estate. Hmmm… I like real estate. He ended his conversation just as he was about to order. In two minutes I was able to get to know this man and have him like me enough to offer me free business. How? I used the Law of Obligation.

After the man ordered his meal, a Flauta Bajio, he was given two simple options—“is this to go or to stay?” He was apparently set on staying… (Tisk, tisk, choosing to stay or to go at this restaurant means the difference between a full meal and a large snack). I always get my food to go at Bajio’s. As soon as he offered his reply, I leaned forward and whispered, “That’s a great choice. You must be hungry.” Very. “Great. Wanna know how to double your rations for the same price?” What? You can do that? “Yup, if you get your food to go you’ll get almost twice as much. Watch…” He watched as they dished out servings to others who were going and staying. He watched as I got the same meal, but to go, and ended up with almost twice the ingredients on top. A smile came across his face and I winked at him. “Next time you’re going to want to get your food to go aren’t ya? You get more for your buck.” We exchanged business cards and a few laughs. We chatted a bit and he offered me a complimentary window service for free. Turns out he owned a window and glass company.

What happened here? I gave to get. Because I let the man in on my little secret, he felt subconsciously obligated to build an acquaintance and offer me something in return—in this case, a free window service and maybe some future real estate dealings. Giving to get? Yeah, it is that simple.

People have been using the Law of Obligation as a persuasive technique almost since the beginning of time. How many times have you been offered free brushes, encyclopedias, estimates, CDs, DVDs, car services, special reports, or even Hare Krishna flowers? All are given in the hopes that you will give in to your subconscious inclination to reciprocate. At the same time, it’s important that you don’t give for the sole purpose of getting. That could be manipulative. If you make that your sole purpose, the person you are trying to persuade will subconsciously pick up on it, be disgusted, and turn away. If your intentions are 100% to get, you’ll more than likely give your intentions away in your nonverbal communication. Make your major purpose be one of goodwill and service and you’ll be surprised what you get in return.

Have you ever baked cookies for the neighbors? What did they do to reciprocate? Have you ever raked the neighbor’s lawn or taken out the trash? What was the reciprocation? Or how about this: Tupperware parties. News flash: people actually throw these silly parties for the sole purpose of selling you stuff, not to hang out, or not even because they like you. They serve refreshments and give away free Tupperware or other products. Well guess what? We all know how hard it is to attend a friend’s party, eat their food, take their free gifts, and then go home without buying a single thing. We almost can’t do it and it’s so uncomfortable. Why? Obligation. To get rid of the cognitive dissonance, the subconscious psychological pressure, we order the cheapest item in the catalog. Only then do we finally feel at peace and overcome our feeling of indebtedness to the host… and we go home psychologically appeased with a useless purchase to boot.

Here’s an even better classic example. I’m sure you can relate with this one. You need a car and instead of buying one online at carsmart.com or cars.com, you brave the storm of ancient terrible salesmanship and decide to hit one of the 787 local lots. At length, you’ve negotiated back and forth with the knucklehead salesman and are getting nowhere (his being obstinate makes you want the car even more). Just as you are about to walk away he pulls out the cliché, “You know what, let me go and run this by my manager to see what we can do.” As he gets up, he says, “Hey, I’m thirsty. I’m going to grab a drink, you want one?” Yeah! Sure! Thanks so much! You say, being completely oblivious to his ridiculous tactic. He comes back with the soda and… umm… guess what else? Yup, an even better deal from his manager—a seemingly unbeatable deal. It’s not quite the deal you wanted, but for some weird, indescribable reason you feel okay with it—you feel it’s the best deal you’re going to get. So, you’re quick to accept it.

Logically, why would you EVER buy a car that wasn’t the right deal? You did. The salesdude got you with the Law of Obligation. He had you emotionally wrapped up and he knew it. He offered you a $.50 can of soda and you bought a $30,000 vehicle. Fair? No. Your fault? Yes. That can of soda created a subconscious sense of debt or obligation that you felt you needed to overcome by offering goodwill in return—i.e., buying a vehicle you didn’t want. The moral of this story is to never accept free stuff from salespersons before you’ve settled on a price. (And then after you’ve settled on a price, and taken the free soda, don’t let your guard down because he’ll sell you on three levels of insurance and warranties).

SUMMARY: give something to get. It works. Just don’t be a manipulative jerk about it, and use it to make the world a better place.

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It Pays to Fly in Style: The Halo Effect

I’m tall. Tallness comes with various side effects—most are pleasant, but some physically hurt. (If you want an extended list of side effects we can get together later). At least I’m tall enough that I don’t hit my head on anything…?? What? You may think that sounds backwards but it isn’t. I know very well where my head is at all times.

Most doorways are six and a half feet. I’m six ten so I duck through almost every door. I feel for six-five guys. Even though they’re five inches shorter, their “tweener” height will break their head open one day.Most haven’t the habit of ducking because they don’t need to duck through most doors. A dude that hasn’t developed the habit of ducking through doorways who decides one fateful day to put on a shoe with a plus size sole… ouch.Door Jam meets Forehead Part IV. Thanks goodness I passed up that painful height as a junior in high school. One of my fondest habits in life is that of ducking through every doorway regardless of the height. This tall man information should be postscript to the subject of this post.

One side effect of my tallness that I can’t decide whether or not I enjoy is that people’s attention seems to naturally follow after the tall guy for some reason. I can’t hide or blend in to a crowd, believe me I’ve tried (like when I try to practice my moves on a dance floor without putting them on display for all to see). Sometimes my every move feels like it’s being traced by all-seeing eyeballs. If you’ve ever sat in the front row of a full classroom and felt like someone is staring a hole through the back of your head, that’s what it feels like, often… at least when in public places. (For that reason, tall people, in public places, seem to migrate to walls or solid objects for refuge from the “eyes”).

On the positive side of tallness: Harvard social psychologists have determined that tall men are considered more persuasive, attractive, and listened to; are higher paid, more likely to hold leadership positions, and memorable. That’s nice, but that’s just the way it is whether us tall folk like it or not. Now, of course we have to contribute by standing tall regardless of how tall we already are, dressing decent, and maintaining personal hygiene, or the positive results could plummet to profound depths in the opposite direction.

The tallman factor is part of a phenomenon dubbed “The Halo Effect.” This effect has to do with the way outward or external appearances of the perceived affect the inward or internal emotions of the perceiver. People make assumptions or knee-jerk judgments of others based off of simple, emotional, oftentimes meaningless, external “triggers.” If I went to the office looking like I did when I woke up in the morning (unkempt hair, bad breath, slouching, basketball shorts and a t-shirt), and I were to meet someone for the first time looking like I just got out of bed, they would make a judgment about my character based on those external triggers.. in this case a negative judgment. It’s sad but true. We do it all the time. However, if I was dressed to the 9’s and smelled nicely and walked confidently, and I was tall, their opinion is likely to be positive. We are quick to judge a book by its cover. We do it all the time. Now you know the scientific term that goes along with it. The cliché “Dress for success” has everything to do with the Halo Effect.

Similarly, making an effort to look nice and carry yourself confidently can achieve the same results. What you wear, how you walk, the look on your face, what you smell like, etc., all that and more affects the sub-conscious of the onlooker and is a part of the enigmatic halo effect. Luckily for un-tall people, the effect isn’t just achieved through tallness. One benefit of being tall, though, is that tallness is one of the only positive halo effect characteristics that is completely natural. I just have to get up in the morning and I’m instantly tall, no cosmetics or smell-me-good sauces necessary to spice me up.

So what does all this jibber-jabber have to do with flying? Here it is. In addition to the aforementioned side effects experienced by tall men, here’s yet another curse: traveling can be most unpleasant; not just for me (cramps and little practical use of the seat-back tray), but for the person sitting beside me (have to sit with my legs wide) and the person sitting in front of me (can’t lean his chair back). Accommodations just aren’t made for tall people when flying the “friendly skies.”

There are three places on a flight where a tall man will sit comfortably—depending on the make and model of the airplane sometimes not even that (sometimes the legroom in first class is even terrible). First class, the bulk head and the emergency exit are the tall man’s oases in the air.

I didn’t travel that often until a couple years ago. Before then I didn’t understand the Halo Effect and therefore didn’t achieve my desired oasis of comfort in the friendly skies. I settled for cramps way too often. Once I learned the power of the Halo Effect, however, I have since only settled for something less once.

Official segue to the punchline of these ramblings:

I made a resolution. I wanted to take full advantage of what the Halo Effect had to offer. On one day trip to LA I wore a nice suit. I quickly noticed that I was treated differently when I was well dressed (a suit or a blazer with a nice button up shirt, slacks, and tassel shoes–which make me look like a 30+ year old) I got what I wanted… my legroom and an extra drink or two. Hmm… Jeans and a t-shirt just didn’t get these results. This was intriguing to me. I resolved to always dress nicely when traveling so I could do so in relative comfort.

With Halo Effect in effect, I sometimes feel like a celebrity or somebody important because of the way people look at me… and I know I ain’t no celebrity. A few times I was treated as if I was a professional athlete, people assumed I was… of course I’m not. I would get people asking me which NBA team I played for and if I could get them tickets. They assumed I played in the NBA, an effect I never got in jeans and a t-shirt. A few times I was offered first class for no reason, because they couldn’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be in first class. I never have to ask more than once to be reseated in the emergency exit or the bulk head when flying coach, even if they have to move someone out of their rightful seat to do so–the flight attendants accommodate my long legs rather nicely. On Southwest I pre-board with the little kids… I’m still mulling over the ethics of that one…

This passed holiday season I decided to travel comfortably and leave the tassel shoes at home. Sufficeth to say, I didn’t get that bulk head seat or the emergency exit and I returned to taste the unpleasantries of the unfriendly skies. Yup, this was that one time that I settled for something less.

Bling