Psychology

Give to Get What You Want

Yup, here’s one about basic principles of killer persuasion…

WARNING: use the principle you are about to learn at your own discretion, it’s entirely possible that results may vary, and I hereby expunge myself from any and all liabilities occasioned by any negative ones (you shouldn’t get negative results unless you drastically goof something up. So don’t goof something up, a’ight?).

One of my favorite principles of persuasion to teach clients is how to get by giving. For those geeks out there who actually care about technical terms, we call this principle the Law of Obligation. Obligation is a scary word for some people; it shouldn’t be, at least in the context you’re about to learn. Obligation can literally be the ace up your sleeve in life or business or in getting your kids to eat their broccoli. It’s an easy and harmless way to generate goodwill, commitment, and relationships out of thin air.

Real life example. One afternoon, while grabbing lunch at my current favorite restaurant (Bajio’s—best Mexican food in the west, check it out and tell ‘em I sent you), I stood in line next to a medium-height, goateed up, well-dressed man with a fancy Blackberry and a Jawbone in his ear. It was lunch hour so naturally the restaurant was full to the gills with people and businessmen. The man was having a conversation about a piece of real estate. Hmmm… I like real estate. He ended his conversation just as he was about to order. In two minutes I was able to get to know this man and have him like me enough to offer me free business. How? I used the Law of Obligation.

After the man ordered his meal, a Flauta Bajio, he was given two simple options—“is this to go or to stay?” He was apparently set on staying… (Tisk, tisk, choosing to stay or to go at this restaurant means the difference between a full meal and a large snack). I always get my food to go at Bajio’s. As soon as he offered his reply, I leaned forward and whispered, “That’s a great choice. You must be hungry.” Very. “Great. Wanna know how to double your rations for the same price?” What? You can do that? “Yup, if you get your food to go you’ll get almost twice as much. Watch…” He watched as they dished out servings to others who were going and staying. He watched as I got the same meal, but to go, and ended up with almost twice the ingredients on top. A smile came across his face and I winked at him. “Next time you’re going to want to get your food to go aren’t ya? You get more for your buck.” We exchanged business cards and a few laughs. We chatted a bit and he offered me a complimentary window service for free. Turns out he owned a window and glass company.

What happened here? I gave to get. Because I let the man in on my little secret, he felt subconsciously obligated to build an acquaintance and offer me something in return—in this case, a free window service and maybe some future real estate dealings. Giving to get? Yeah, it is that simple.

People have been using the Law of Obligation as a persuasive technique almost since the beginning of time. How many times have you been offered free brushes, encyclopedias, estimates, CDs, DVDs, car services, special reports, or even Hare Krishna flowers? All are given in the hopes that you will give in to your subconscious inclination to reciprocate. At the same time, it’s important that you don’t give for the sole purpose of getting. That could be manipulative. If you make that your sole purpose, the person you are trying to persuade will subconsciously pick up on it, be disgusted, and turn away. If your intentions are 100% to get, you’ll more than likely give your intentions away in your nonverbal communication. Make your major purpose be one of goodwill and service and you’ll be surprised what you get in return.

Have you ever baked cookies for the neighbors? What did they do to reciprocate? Have you ever raked the neighbor’s lawn or taken out the trash? What was the reciprocation? Or how about this: Tupperware parties. News flash: people actually throw these silly parties for the sole purpose of selling you stuff, not to hang out, or not even because they like you. They serve refreshments and give away free Tupperware or other products. Well guess what? We all know how hard it is to attend a friend’s party, eat their food, take their free gifts, and then go home without buying a single thing. We almost can’t do it and it’s so uncomfortable. Why? Obligation. To get rid of the cognitive dissonance, the subconscious psychological pressure, we order the cheapest item in the catalog. Only then do we finally feel at peace and overcome our feeling of indebtedness to the host… and we go home psychologically appeased with a useless purchase to boot.

Here’s an even better classic example. I’m sure you can relate with this one. You need a car and instead of buying one online at carsmart.com or cars.com, you brave the storm of ancient terrible salesmanship and decide to hit one of the 787 local lots. At length, you’ve negotiated back and forth with the knucklehead salesman and are getting nowhere (his being obstinate makes you want the car even more). Just as you are about to walk away he pulls out the cliché, “You know what, let me go and run this by my manager to see what we can do.” As he gets up, he says, “Hey, I’m thirsty. I’m going to grab a drink, you want one?” Yeah! Sure! Thanks so much! You say, being completely oblivious to his ridiculous tactic. He comes back with the soda and… umm… guess what else? Yup, an even better deal from his manager—a seemingly unbeatable deal. It’s not quite the deal you wanted, but for some weird, indescribable reason you feel okay with it—you feel it’s the best deal you’re going to get. So, you’re quick to accept it.

Logically, why would you EVER buy a car that wasn’t the right deal? You did. The salesdude got you with the Law of Obligation. He had you emotionally wrapped up and he knew it. He offered you a $.50 can of soda and you bought a $30,000 vehicle. Fair? No. Your fault? Yes. That can of soda created a subconscious sense of debt or obligation that you felt you needed to overcome by offering goodwill in return—i.e., buying a vehicle you didn’t want. The moral of this story is to never accept free stuff from salespersons before you’ve settled on a price. (And then after you’ve settled on a price, and taken the free soda, don’t let your guard down because he’ll sell you on three levels of insurance and warranties).

SUMMARY: give something to get. It works. Just don’t be a manipulative jerk about it, and use it to make the world a better place.

7 Steps to Powerful Goal Setting for Perfectionists

A blog post about goals around New Year’s is definitely cliché. Millions of people are thinking about goals and thousands of those millions have blogs wherein they post their thinkings. So what is different about this post and why should you read it?

One, I’m not a professional. I’m someone who has struggled to put together an effective system for goal setting and, after failing over and over again, have finally found something that works for me. Two, the way I set my goals is probably different than most you’ve heard, though I haven’t cared to compare my system with anyone else’s. I don’t know if my process is entirely unique but whether or not it’s an amalgam of other systems matters not to me because it works. In short, I don’t know to whom do I owe the credit for coming up with this system. Keep fresh in your mind that this is goal setting as it applies to me and you’re free to interpret—add and take as you may. I truly hope this helps you achieve your goals this year, even so, results may vary.

The Perfectionist’s Common Experience with Goal Setting

My personality is one that demands excellence, precision, and perfection from myself—an impossible amount of perfection. That trait is a double edged sword. It’s like walking on the blade of a razor; it’s a long way down on both sides if you mess up. This perfectionist tendency works against you when setting goals. We perfectionists want to accomplish so many things all at once because our faults and failings are glaringly obvious to us. We know exactly what’s “wrong” with us and what needs to be “fixed.” At the New Year we set a laundry list of goals and are excited to finally be perfect this year.

Typically my experience as a perfectionist at New Year’s has been this: Day one ends with flying colors. Come day two, I mess up on item 17 on my laundry list of goals. The day progresses and the cognitive dissonance is suffocating. I become profoundly frustrated. The perfectionist emotions are overwhelming and my mind spins off into blah blah or la la land. Day three, I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore because I failed. The following 362 days are mediocre at best and filled with the constant itching to be perfect.

What happened? My ambitions outweighed my reality, resolve, and resources. We perfectionists have to plan ahead to avoid these massive downers after miniscule failures. The good thing is that we are always filled with an incredible amount of emotion to be better and do better. At least we start! Some don’t get that far. We should congratulate ourselves for both the desire to progress and actually starting down the path.

Goal Setting for the Perfectionist

This is where it gets personal. I understand my personal ambitions and have learned to channel them. To plan and set my goals I will always find a quiet, peaceful, emotionally safe place (not in front of a TV with ESPN on or at a family gathering) and I’ll carry along a journal or notebook to write in.

Step 1. I start with a simple prayer. You can’t pray too much. I feel that’s the best way to prepare me emotionally to clear my mind, feel at peace and get the inspiration I need. You can pray however you feel appropriate. I pray the way I was taught. (If you aren’t religious, that’s okay. Just find a quiet place and spend a good amount of time thinking, meditating, or pondering about what you want to accomplish in life generally and I believe you can have the same results).

Step 2. Think… Ponder… Brainstorm a lot. (Make sure you have scheduled a good deal of time for this. It can take anywhere from 10 minutes to several hours). Fill your notebook with anything and everything that comes to mind: all your faults that you want fixed; your ambitions and visions for life; the things you want; potential rewards for success, etc. Write until you absolutely can’t think of anything else you desire and your mind falls silent. Get it all out. This is critical to the perfectionist psyche. Get it all out.

Step 3. Categorize your list. These categories are open for your interpretation as you see fit. Keep in mind while categorizing your list that we set goals to ultimately improve and progress as human beings not to please demanding spouses or bosses or coworkers or parents or friends. Your goals need to mean something to you if you are to achieve lasting change and progress. As long as your goal means something to you, a difference will be made in your life and inevitably the lives of others around you. You will feel fulfilled, joyful and happy.

Here are the five categories that I use:

  • What will make the biggest difference in my life AND is important to me?
  • What will make a big difference in my life but is NOT important to me?
  • What is important to me but will NOT make a big difference in my life?
  • What would be nice for me, but just doesn’t matter?
  • What is completely self-critical, unimportant, or expectations of others and not your own.

After you have categorized your list, Category 1 will innately become more important to you because as perfectionists we naturally want perfection and fast. Why is this step so important? Benefit from step 3: your mind is now settled on what’s important. This makes it easy to let go of the stuff that just doesn’t matter. Your laundry list will go from an inordinante amount of items down to just a few. [If you are an extreme perfectionist and really need to let go of some things write category 1 on a new piece of paper and burn or shred (destroy) the other pages. I’ve had to do this and it’s amazing. Adult supervision strongly encouraged ;) ].

Step 4. Determine which of the items on your list in Category 1 (items that will make the biggest difference in your life AND are important to you) you want to accomplish first. This is where you can involve urgency. Which is most important? Critical? Is there a time frame or due date? Which will be most fulfilling to me or will have the greatest affect on others? Rank the items according to your perception about how important or urgent they are.

Step 5. Select the TOP GOAL. Circle it. Underline it. Draw flowers around it. Whatever. Mentally accept, select, and resolve to do the first goal on your list. This step makes achievement simple. In doing this you need to tell yourself that the items left on the list will be accomplished next so that your perfectionist mind is appeased. You may blow through this goal in a few weeks and you’ll move rapidly on to the next one. You’ll be surprised at how many goals you can accomplish in a year if you tackle them one at a time. Even two goals can be overwhelming. Keep it simple. Keep it powerful.

Step 6. Set a plan to accomplish item ONE. (In my mind, item 1 of category 1 is my goal and this is my plan to accomplish my goal). This is where you’ll need to draw from your own interpretations of traditional goal setting techniques, but there are common guidelines of course. The SMART acronym applies here. Your plan needs to be:

S – Specific
M – Measurable
A – Achievable
R – Realistic
T – Timed

Stretch yourself (use your ambitious tendencies), but make sure that your plan is realistic and achievable. You do not want to set too lofty or ambitious of a plan. Doing so will only end in a burned out mind, body, and soul. It’s important to set time intervals: daily, weekly, monthly, how long? Due dates? Rewards? And be specific! Know exactly what you need to do and how you are going to do it and how long you have to do it. This plan can be simple but it needs to lead you down a path where the environment, mental and physical, will aid you in accomplishing your end goal.

Step 7. Affirmations. This may sound fruity, but I promise you this works for perfectionists. ACCEPT THE END GOAL AS PART OF WHO YOU ARE and remind yourself everyday, several times a day, about your new self. This will give you an incredible amount of motivation and resolve to follow through with your plan.

A Simple Example From My Life

I apologize for using myself as an example, forgive me. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to keep a daily journal of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I didn’t want to be the once a week on Sunday type of guy. But for years I failed over and over and it baffled me. I would write for a week or two weeks straight and then I’d miss one day and wouldn’t pick up my journal till months later. This bothered me. How could I develop the habit?

Last July 15th, I sat down to do one of these exact planning sessions. I called this my D-Day, or Decision Day. I knew exactly what I wanted to do so it didn’t take me long. I settled on journal writing as the item that would make the biggest difference and that was the most important to me at that time. I set the obvious plan of writing in my journal every single day before I retired for the night. But what I did differently this time was to add the affirmations of step seven… and that has made all the difference.

Previously, when I had made “bold” efforts at developing a journaling habit I didn’t really believe that I was a journaler or feel like one. The result is that each night I was forced to make an official decision as to whether or not I was going to write. I had the capacity and the resolve to make that decision for only a few days in a row until one day I was too tired and decided to write the next morning… three months later I pick up my journal to write that entry. That’s not good enough for a perfectionist.

This time was different. I set my goal and made these affirmations: “Seth Ellsworth writes in his journal every day. Seth Ellsworth is an avid journal writer.” I said it over and over again until I really believed it and repeated it for several days thereafter. Result: on that D-Day I made my decision and I haven’t had to make that decision again. Journaling isn’t a big deal now because it’s part of who I am and what I do. Best part: I’ve been able to maintain journaling while focusing on other important goals and benchmarks. Make the decision once and then just be who you are and your goal becomes a piece of cake because it’s no longer a big deal.

A word of caution: Don’t kill yourself if you misstep, but be quick to forgive yourself and maintain who you are. It’s okay to adjust your goals too. Just reaffirm. It’s critical that your goal, in this case, be achievable and something that you’ll want to maintain. Be sure not to set end goals that are highly dependant on the decisions and choices of others. There are lots of ways you can personalize this. Use your judgment. Some end goals are a one-time achievement. This process will work just the same. If you need extra help to be consistent, I’d suggest going down to the store to get a poster calendar that shows all of 2008. Cross off each day as you go along and the motivation to keep the streak alive will be powerful if the goal really means something to you.

Be careful about what you accept as part of who you are. Only focus on one goal at a time. You can accomplish many goals in a calendar year. Follow these steps and you’ll surprise yourself at what a perfectionist can accomplish! Be cool.